Marriage and Family

I have been thinking a lot about marriage and kids lately. First of all, I feel very thankful and blessed to have the family that I do. My kids and my husband truly are amazing. Not that we're perfect, we definitely have lots of things we could work on, but I do feel like we try and that's the important thing. Anyway, I was talking with a friend today and we were talking about a mentality that seems to exist among some stay-at-home moms or even working women--that their husbands are like their kids--they have to tell them what to do, remind them of what's important, give permission for the activities they're allowed to do, etc. Also, some women think that they are entitled to have their husband's help 24/7 and they get mad if he doesn't fulfill her every whim because SHE has the harder job and he needs to realize that SHE needs a break and how dare he do anything else! Sorry, this may sound harsh--in no way am I suggesting that women do not need support and help from their husbands, of course we do! But it's more the attitude with which it is done, like somehow men don't have any burdens and they need to cater to the women since all they do is stay home with the kids. This really bothers me and maybe it stems from women not finding joy at home because being a mother can be stressful and monotonous. I've read a few articles lately that seem to be sending the message: don't worry if you don't find joy in your life, don't worry about seizing the day, don't feel guilty for feeling stressed and angry instead of happy and joyful--you are entitled to feel that way because you're doing a really hard and tedious thing! (Being a MOM!!) Mmmmm... don't get me wrong, I completely understand the stressed and frustrated and the "my life is really tedious" feelings, no question about that! But I don't know, it just kind of rubbed me the wrong way, like it's an excuse for us not to find joy in the hardships of being a mother. I know I could do so much better with that, so maybe that's why it made me think a little bit about what mentalities exist and are accepted out there, and what mentality do I want to have in my life? I know it's okay not to feel happy and joyful all the time, I shouldn't feel guilty about that. But that should not stop me from trying to savor every day or moment with my kids instead of feeling like I can't wait until they get out of the house!!! Are they getting those vibes from me, that I am happier when they're not there? WOW, how would I feel if I felt like my parents thought that about me? I know I've written about this before, so forgive me, but it's just something I feel so strongly about. And maybe I'm just missing the boat here because I haven't gone through "hard" things relative to some of those around me, but is there anything that would be too hard in my life for me to say to Heavenly Father, "Sorry, I just couldn't find joy in anything you gave me.." We all have our challenges, seen and unseen, but it doesn't change the principle: that I should be anxiously concerned for the welfare of my husband and children, even if it is hard. Are we all selfish sometimes? Of course, but just like I need the love and help from my husband, he needs me, just as much, to sacrifice for him, and love him even when it's hard. Jon does so much for us--it's stressful to have the role of provider and be a good husband, father, priesthood holder, etc. And of course it can't be all give, give, give, or take, take, take--marriage is a partnership and if one person is all take, take, take, and engaging in sinful behavior, of course that's different and we all need to be sensitive to those situations. But I read a book one time about marriage not being 50/50, it's more like 100/100. So that means that even if I feel like I DESERVE a break and need help, I shouldn't feel entitled to and expecting of it. I can be grateful and kind when my husband or child does something to help me-- not think, "Well it's about time!" If I gave a bit more, I might just find I get a lot more back! Yes, it's hard, there are days that stink and I feel like I just want to cry my eyes out. But I think that trying to develop more an overall attitude of love, and realizing everyday the divine purpose of which I am a part, really will help me find more joy in my family life. I received some good advice when Jon and I got married, "Try to out do each other in acts of service, but don't keep score." I love that and I know I can do better with everything that I've been talking about--I am in no way the perfect example of any of these things, but these are just some thoughts that have been on my mind and I feel like if we try and incorporate gratitude, service, and love into how we act towards our family members, that we will be happier in our lives, no matter what circumstances we may be in. I'm grateful for the ultimate example of love, Jesus Christ. He always thought of others first and was concerned for the welfare of everyone around Him. He did not tolerate sin and taught accordingly, but he was always loving and never judgmental or degrading. To quote an EFY theme I had 15 years ago (haha) :) "Joy in the journey!!" That's really what it's all about.

Gifts

I think the word gift is defined by how you see it. Something as simple as a stranger smiling at you in the store can be a gift--or it can be getting that new job you really wanted. I think the key is to focus on everything as a gift. It's so easy to focus on negative in this world. I have this issue where I don't want to feel too much joy or happiness because I think my life has been too blessed and suddenly I'll have a really huge trial that will shake me so badly I won't know how to pull out. Yes, it's my own lack of faith. We all have our struggles right? I am extremely grateful for the blessings I have in my life. My struggles are those that are not so apparent where as many people have trials that are visible to everyone. But regardless of that, we all have need of our Savior and His infinite Atonement. I know that faith is essential and that it is part of our earthly test to prove to Heavenly Father we will do the right things in the midst of good or bad. I feel like the line between right and wrong has become so blurred and that truth and morality have become matters of personal preference instead of eternal principles. I have been reading the Book of Mormon more intently lately and really feel that this book is a gift from our Heavenly Father. It is a warning voice to us in this day and age to avoid the evils and pitfalls of Satan. He is attacking the truths that are the foundation of Heavenly Father's plan, namely families and the sanctity of life. The devil really is a mastermind at subtlety. This poem says a lot about where things have gone in society:

Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,
As, to be hated, needs but to be seen;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.

I love this because it's so true! We start focusing on the wrong things and failing to see the gifts that we have been given--we only see what we have been "deprived" of. Entitlement and deserve are dangerous words. God has given us so many gifts, yet satisfaction with many aspects of our lives seems at all time low. I was talking with my friend today and we were talking about how the Gospel of Jesus Christ is really the cure to all the ills of the world. This is a gift to us that is rejected by so many because religion is not something to be seen anymore. Apparently freedom from religion has taken precedence over freedom of. It is a gift to be free to practice our beliefs and share our beliefs with others. I am so grateful that I can still do this, even if met with some hostility. Our ancestors fought and gave their lives to protect the freedom of religion. They wanted protection from the government forcing any one religion on the people, but never was it said that religion could not be a part of society and the political arena. Some may say that religion is confining but I say it's freeing. Living God's law can only bring blessings and failing to live it brings misery. Sometimes I feel like shaking people and saying, "Look! Look at this great gift that is in front of you! The Gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored and here it is on the earth--a gift given to us to be happy and receive all the blessings that God wants us to have." God's love is unconditional, but His acceptance is not. Of course there are certain ways we need to live and things we need to do to return to Him--if not, then why are we here? Belief is one things, but showing Him our commitment to Him is unwavering is quite another. Covenants are such great gifts to us as is the blessings of eternal families. Again some may say, He is asking too much of us--God would not want me to be unhappy so He will allow me to believe and live how I want. Just one problem there--why do people think they know what true happiness is more than God? We only have a very limited and earthly perspective, but God knows our eternal worth and potential. Those who have severe burdens or struggles placed upon them here will receive so many blessings in the world to come. God's plan is one of families and reaching our full and divine potential--He wants all of His children to receive this, but how can they if He allows them to follow after their every whim and desire? I know that God's plan for us demands hard things--we need to practice self-control and faith and sacrifices of time, money, etc. But these things are simply a manifestation of our faith and our willingness to prove to Him that we will not settle for less than what He wants for us!

“A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation...." --Joseph Smith

Sometimes I read that and think, "Could I really do that? Sacrifice everything for the Gospel?" Sometimes I don't really know if I have the strength inside of me, but this I do know: that the Gospel of Jesus Christ restored through the prophet Joseph Smith in this, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is TRUE. I know it is true because I have had multiple witnesses of the Spirit confirm to me that it is true. This is the only way we can really know anything--if we are struggling with a certain principle or idea, if we are sincerely seeking to learn of it's validity, we can pray and God will reveal it to us by the power of the Holy Ghost. And knowing that the Gospel is true does give me strength to perform the work and sacrifices that God would have me do. And He doesn't expect us to do all of this alone: He has given us the ultimate gift and that is His Son, Jesus Christ. He has given and given up everything for US because He loves us. But His gift is meaningless if we do not make it meaningful to us. Everyday we need to thankful for this precious gift and let it influence our lives--how we spend our time, how we treat others, etc. And this whole discourse is all for me by the way! :) But I hope that whoever reads this can find some strength and enlightenment as well. I am so grateful for the many gifts I've received in my life and I hope I can live worthy to receive all the blessings that my Heavenly Father has in store for me.

Some Thoughts

I really hope the quote, "The more perfect you become, the more imperfect you think you are" is true! :) It's part of that refiner's fire I guess.. but it can definitely get me down when I dwell on all my weaknesses and imperfections. But no more! This blog is titled "Hope, a Ray of Sunshine". And why? Because hope means having JOY! Don't you think of sunshine when you think of joy?? And we have both of those things because of our Savior, Jesus Christ and this restored Gospel that He has given us in this time. We can have hope and joy NOW, in a world that is full wickedness and ugliness, we still have so much goodness around us that we just need to look for. I really believe that you will see what you are looking for. I used to consider myself a very pleasant, friendly, and optimistic person. Not that I'm now completely the opposite, but I do think as part of my weaknesses being brought up to the surface, I am seeing how quickly I can get down when things seem despairing. I took a good look at myself today and realized that I do lack hope and joy in many ways--and wait, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints! I know Heavenly Father's plan for me. I know that His plan is supposed to be a plan of HAPPINESS. Am I looking for happiness in the wrong things? Food? Movies? Other people's opinions of me? Things going perfectly all the time? And whatever else our vices can be. Happiness is not found in many worldly things. Of course the world would tell us differently, but as we all know pleasure and happiness (meaning true joy) are two very different things! I do not want to go through this life by gritting my teeth and just surviving everyday. I want to have JOY in my life, no matter what my circumstances may be. Being happy or not doesn't have to be dictated by our circumstances. I recently read a blog post by an old college friend who lost her son in a tragic accident 5 years ago. Obviously this was an extremely difficult thing to go through and the grief was all-consuming. But she has chosen to live with joy because of what she does have today. Her two other beautiful children for example. And I haven't gone through anything close to what she has, but life has a way of making us robots. We get impatient, bitter, annoyed, frustrated, stressed, and wow that just sounds like an awful way to be. But I have been there--too many days, and I am determined to be like my friend, Michelle, who is making and holding on to those moments that do bring joy. Michelle's inspiring post is here if you care to read:

http://daysofmichelleslife.blogspot.com/2011/05/prioritizing.html

I have another friend Becky, who posted on her Facebook info that she thrives on being happy and positive. I am so thankful for the example of Becky--she has always been an inspiration to me because of the joy she feels in the little, but so important, things. I feel like I used to be more like that and I've lost it somehow. Like I said, the burdens of life have a way of making us forget how blessed we really are and how much joy we should be feeling through every day--even through trials and suffering, etc. But really, burdens are burdens only if we perceive them that way. Let's take children for example. Burdens or blessings? Okay, both in a way right? But I have always wanted to be the kind of mom who sees her children as joys and not burdens. And it's a toss up between the two some days, definitely :) I am in no way a patient and loving and exemplary mom all the time! I know, you're shocked right? :) But I do feel so strongly that we need our children so much more than they need us because they keep us unselfish and humble and loving and compassionate (IF we let them). I know that we are accountable to Heavenly Father for the stewardships that He gives us here on this Earth--children being a very big one. I want to be able to look at Him and say that I gave everything I could to making those little ones He gave me happy, even if they don't make good choices, which of course they won't at times. But I want to say that I gave myself and showed them that I loved them no matter what they did or how they turned out. I've lived too many days begrudgingly--and why? Did I hope for something better and more exciting to come along? I'm just biding my time until this crazy and hectic phase of life is over? How sad! MY children are absolutely amazing. They constantly astound me with how smart and thoughtful and loving and humble they are. How can I brush them aside and not take the time to look into their eyes and see what amazing and wonderful human beings they are. As my friend, Michelle, said, you can tell your kids a million times you love them, but if they don't have you--your time, your loving acts of service, your positive take on being their mother--what will they believe? I learned in college that children's minds are like blackboards and we write messages on them all the time by what we say and do--what kinds of messages am I sending to my kids? That they are worth something to this world, to our family? That they are so special and worth me taking the time to play with them or read to them? I know that none of us can be everything our children need. Our tempers will get the better of us or we'll spend too much time on the computer or phone, but I think it's an overall attitude--what general message are we sending to them? I want my kids to know and to feel that I feel PRIVILEGED to be their mother. And I am! Even though I don't show it as much as I should--I'm going to do better! I am so blessed to have such angel children sent to my home--they are so sweet and helpful and thoughtful. I love to see them grow and learn and I'm thankful that I can be there for them and with them along their journey in this life. So joy here I come!

Learning Experience..

Well this blog has kind of gone down the tubes hasn't it? :) Even if I only serve the purpose of journaling for myself and my posterity, I wanted to share something I've learned this past year. So I'm not giving up on this blog and I may even make it a "weekly journey" blog or something. So I'll write about things I'm embarking on for the week or month or whatever. Just something interesting :) Hopefully people still read this blog.. but maybe not. Oh well :)

I have learned a lot this past year--mostly because I became a Personal Trainer and realized that it's easier than you think to get in over your head and forget what is truly important in life. I've realized that working very hard at what you do is important, but we have to ask ourselves, is what we are working on what we should be working? We can engage ourselves in so many different things, but where should our primary focus be? Maybe we are not good at something because it's not what we're really supposed to be doing.... and working to be better at it really is fruitless since it's not what God wants us to focus on at all. There is a time and a season for everything, but I've learned that the most important mission and calling in life for me is that of a mother. Right now, my children are young and impressionable and I want to be there for them so they know how to be there for others--how to serve them and love them. I want to teach them hard work and compassion and respect, and how can I do this if I am not fully engaged in my work as a mother? I fully understand the feeling of wanting to quit. And some days you just feel like you can't do it all. But then I think, there will be a time when I will be done with this and what will I feel like then? Will I have any regrets about not being there for my children. Our children are such precious gifts given to us from Heavenly Father. He has entrusted us with their spirits to help them through this life, to show them the way. And if I feel like I don't do anything to contribute to society, I am seeing with a limited perspective. The thing our society needs most is loving and dedicated and available mothers and fathers. So many of them nowadays are just not there, not available to teach and show an example.

Work has it's place and I am thankful for the opportunity I had to help others physically and make friends and be a motivating force for good in others' lives. But if it's at the expense of my other job, the one Heavenly Father gave to me, then it's not worth it. I truly believe one of Satan's greatest tools is helping us to fill our lives with good things, so we have no room for the best things. I have learned this and I am grateful for this lesson. I love that I can learn and repent and change my course and move forward, because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am so thankful for this Gospel that has been restored to Earth and for the chance we have to be with our families forever. I love this quote by Elder Eying, an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, "And if you then go and do what He would have you do, your power to trust Him will grow, and in time you will be overwhelmed with gratitude to find that He has come to trust you." What an amazing feeling that will be when we can know that God trusts us! I want to feel that as a mother, as a wife, as a family member, and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--that God trusts me to do what He would have me do.

Clear Conscience

I have been plagued a lot lately with thoughts of insecurity, as I'm sure all of us are at one time or another. I have come to feel strongly that these feelings are a tool of the devil, to keep us from doing as much good as we can. It seems when I feel upset about something I've done or the way I've acted, I only further my sadness by thinking I can never do it and I'm not good enough and why try? Are these thoughts from a loving Heavenly Father? I do not think so--the devil wants us to despair and feel hopeless. He wants us to feel like God expects too much of us and that his (the devil's) way is easier and better. Well maybe in the short term, but certainly not after. Satan can never give us blessings. Only misery comes when we heed his temptations.

A lot of us put extremely high expectations on ourselves and become our own worst critics. I know I have a very hard time forgiving myself, even after I know God has. This is damning me and only hurting my influence for good on others around me. If I want to be the kind of person God wants me to be, I have to let Him help. It seems like I always try alone to feel worthy of God's help, but really, all of us are worthy of God's help to start with, no matter what we've done or what we do. President Ezra Taft Benson said, "People who turn their lives over to God will find out that he can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace." Wow! How can we not turn to God? Easier said than done, right? But we must have HOPE in Him, that if we never give up trying to do good and follow Him, that we will have promised blessings that we cannot even imagine! From the book of Ether, "Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."

We cannot get bogged down with the things of the world and the negative messages we receive from all around us, and maybe even ourselves. We cannot let the devil in and make us think we do not matter or that we are too weak or flawed to make any difference in the world. What matters is God's opinion of us and no one else's. Others may find fault with us, we may offend others without intending to, we may cause pain to friends or family that is hard to repair, we may find ourselves on a path of sin and unhappiness. But if we do our best to repent and make amends, we will be blessed. We cannot control another's choices. "For man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." Only He knows us as no one else does and if our conscience is void of offense towards Him and towards others, that is all that matters. We are loved, if by no one else, by a loving and caring Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ. How much hope we should have that we will receive blessings we cannot even comprehend if we are faithful! "But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." 1 Cor. 2:9 Don't give up!

Someday We'll Understand

I read this the other day and it really hit home for me. I find myself doubting a lot because I cannot seem to make sense of some things I see and hear around me. But this gave me comfort and hope! I hope it does you, too. It's called, "When We Understand the Plan".

I reckon when the world we leave
And cease to smile and cease to grieve,
When each of us shall quit the strife
And drop the working tools of life,
Somewhere, somehow, we'll come to find
Just what our Maker had in mind.

Perhaps through clearer eyes then these
We'll read life's hidden mysteries,
And learn the reason for our tears--
Why sometimes came unhappy years,
And why our dearest joys were brief
And bound so closely unto grief.

There is so much beyond our scope,
As blindly on through life we grope,
So much we cannot understand,
However wisely we have planned,
That all who walk this earth about
Are constantly beset by doubt.

No one of us can truly say
Why loved ones must be called away,
Why hearts are hurt, or e'en explain
Why some must suffer years of pain;
Yet some day all of us shall know
The reason why these things are so.

I reckon in the years to come,
When these poor lips of clay are dumb,
And these poor hands have ceased to toil,
Somewhere upon a fairer soil
God shall to all of us make clear
The purpose of our trials here.

The "Cycle" of Life

I was taking a Cycling class at the YMCA the other day and an analogy about life struck me. If any of you have ever taken Cycling before, you will know that these classes can be very intense! I was thinking the whole time through the workout, "Oh my gosh this is so hard." But yet I loved it! (That's a whole other analogy though) :) Anyway, throughout the course of the class, the instructor has you do various patterns of pedaling: sprinting, coasting, going 80% of your max pace, uphill climbs, etc., all with varying degrees of resistance. For sprinting, obviously you need to have less resistance so you can go really far really fast. For uphill climbs, the resistance increases because you need something to push against as you ascend otherwise your legs will burn out too quickly. And for coasting or going a certain percentage of your maximum pace, resistance will vary based on how hard you want to work. So okay, there are just analogies all over the place with this, but the one that came to my mind was: COMPARISON. As I was going along through the workout, I started looking at the people around me and the speed at which they were pedaling during the various intervals. I started to compare myself to them, thinking "Why are they pedaling faster then me? I'm barely making it and I'm an aerobics instructor!" or "Hey I'm going faster than that person over there, I'm doing awesome!" But as I thought about it, it seemed really silly for me to even be thinking these things because, I realized, there is something you cannot tell from looking at everyone around you: what the person's level of resistance is! So here it comes... ;) We cannot tell sometimes (or most of the time) what a person may be going through just by looking. Sometimes it seems like OUR problems are so huge and our faults so insurmountable because just by "looking" at someone else they might "seem" a lot better than us in a particular area (or a lot of areas). Or we may be going through a particularly "uphill-free" stage of life and revel in our coasting and level 5 resistance, instead of seeing how we can help someone who is maybe at a 9 or 10. It isn't fair to judge EITHER WAY (being the one who has the seemingly "greater" trials or the one who achieves greatness and looks down upon those who are "behind". Who is really behind? Heavenly Father does not care how we are doing in reference to everyone else. He loves us as we are, and loves us enough to help us change into the kind of person He knows we can be, without measuring our problems or successes against others. This is an amazing gift and we only diminish the Atonement of Christ by comparing ourselves with others--we are all in need of His grace. I love this scripture:

"For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have....?" Mosiah 4:19