Clear Conscience

I have been plagued a lot lately with thoughts of insecurity, as I'm sure all of us are at one time or another. I have come to feel strongly that these feelings are a tool of the devil, to keep us from doing as much good as we can. It seems when I feel upset about something I've done or the way I've acted, I only further my sadness by thinking I can never do it and I'm not good enough and why try? Are these thoughts from a loving Heavenly Father? I do not think so--the devil wants us to despair and feel hopeless. He wants us to feel like God expects too much of us and that his (the devil's) way is easier and better. Well maybe in the short term, but certainly not after. Satan can never give us blessings. Only misery comes when we heed his temptations.

A lot of us put extremely high expectations on ourselves and become our own worst critics. I know I have a very hard time forgiving myself, even after I know God has. This is damning me and only hurting my influence for good on others around me. If I want to be the kind of person God wants me to be, I have to let Him help. It seems like I always try alone to feel worthy of God's help, but really, all of us are worthy of God's help to start with, no matter what we've done or what we do. President Ezra Taft Benson said, "People who turn their lives over to God will find out that he can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace." Wow! How can we not turn to God? Easier said than done, right? But we must have HOPE in Him, that if we never give up trying to do good and follow Him, that we will have promised blessings that we cannot even imagine! From the book of Ether, "Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."

We cannot get bogged down with the things of the world and the negative messages we receive from all around us, and maybe even ourselves. We cannot let the devil in and make us think we do not matter or that we are too weak or flawed to make any difference in the world. What matters is God's opinion of us and no one else's. Others may find fault with us, we may offend others without intending to, we may cause pain to friends or family that is hard to repair, we may find ourselves on a path of sin and unhappiness. But if we do our best to repent and make amends, we will be blessed. We cannot control another's choices. "For man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." Only He knows us as no one else does and if our conscience is void of offense towards Him and towards others, that is all that matters. We are loved, if by no one else, by a loving and caring Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ. How much hope we should have that we will receive blessings we cannot even comprehend if we are faithful! "But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." 1 Cor. 2:9 Don't give up!

Someday We'll Understand

I read this the other day and it really hit home for me. I find myself doubting a lot because I cannot seem to make sense of some things I see and hear around me. But this gave me comfort and hope! I hope it does you, too. It's called, "When We Understand the Plan".

I reckon when the world we leave
And cease to smile and cease to grieve,
When each of us shall quit the strife
And drop the working tools of life,
Somewhere, somehow, we'll come to find
Just what our Maker had in mind.

Perhaps through clearer eyes then these
We'll read life's hidden mysteries,
And learn the reason for our tears--
Why sometimes came unhappy years,
And why our dearest joys were brief
And bound so closely unto grief.

There is so much beyond our scope,
As blindly on through life we grope,
So much we cannot understand,
However wisely we have planned,
That all who walk this earth about
Are constantly beset by doubt.

No one of us can truly say
Why loved ones must be called away,
Why hearts are hurt, or e'en explain
Why some must suffer years of pain;
Yet some day all of us shall know
The reason why these things are so.

I reckon in the years to come,
When these poor lips of clay are dumb,
And these poor hands have ceased to toil,
Somewhere upon a fairer soil
God shall to all of us make clear
The purpose of our trials here.

The "Cycle" of Life

I was taking a Cycling class at the YMCA the other day and an analogy about life struck me. If any of you have ever taken Cycling before, you will know that these classes can be very intense! I was thinking the whole time through the workout, "Oh my gosh this is so hard." But yet I loved it! (That's a whole other analogy though) :) Anyway, throughout the course of the class, the instructor has you do various patterns of pedaling: sprinting, coasting, going 80% of your max pace, uphill climbs, etc., all with varying degrees of resistance. For sprinting, obviously you need to have less resistance so you can go really far really fast. For uphill climbs, the resistance increases because you need something to push against as you ascend otherwise your legs will burn out too quickly. And for coasting or going a certain percentage of your maximum pace, resistance will vary based on how hard you want to work. So okay, there are just analogies all over the place with this, but the one that came to my mind was: COMPARISON. As I was going along through the workout, I started looking at the people around me and the speed at which they were pedaling during the various intervals. I started to compare myself to them, thinking "Why are they pedaling faster then me? I'm barely making it and I'm an aerobics instructor!" or "Hey I'm going faster than that person over there, I'm doing awesome!" But as I thought about it, it seemed really silly for me to even be thinking these things because, I realized, there is something you cannot tell from looking at everyone around you: what the person's level of resistance is! So here it comes... ;) We cannot tell sometimes (or most of the time) what a person may be going through just by looking. Sometimes it seems like OUR problems are so huge and our faults so insurmountable because just by "looking" at someone else they might "seem" a lot better than us in a particular area (or a lot of areas). Or we may be going through a particularly "uphill-free" stage of life and revel in our coasting and level 5 resistance, instead of seeing how we can help someone who is maybe at a 9 or 10. It isn't fair to judge EITHER WAY (being the one who has the seemingly "greater" trials or the one who achieves greatness and looks down upon those who are "behind". Who is really behind? Heavenly Father does not care how we are doing in reference to everyone else. He loves us as we are, and loves us enough to help us change into the kind of person He knows we can be, without measuring our problems or successes against others. This is an amazing gift and we only diminish the Atonement of Christ by comparing ourselves with others--we are all in need of His grace. I love this scripture:

"For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have....?" Mosiah 4:19

Sarah Needs Your Help! Meet Sarah--isn't she beautiful? And from this picture, you probably cannot tell that Sarah is fighting a battle with cancer. Her sweet and strong spirit doesn't ever let on that she has this disease! She is a fighter and has made it through some tough obstacles already! They have a long way to go however and are in need of some help. Sarah's family is in our ward here in Naperville, and as her church family, we are trying to get them the help they need to continue Sarah's care for her cancer!
Sarah was diagnosed with Retinoblastoma when she was 8 months old. At first, her prognosis was good, but the course her cancer took proved out the area of expertise of Children's Memorial here in Chicago. Her family has fought an exhaustive fight to get her the best care possible at a wonderful hospital in New York City. As they are in Chicago, they are traveling to NY numerous times and are in need of help with these traveling expenses. The family's income is small and Sarah desperately needs to keep going to New York to secure her chances of beating this cancer. We are looking for help for Sarah and her family in the form of small monetary donations. If you can help, anything will be truly appreciated!! Even $1 or $2 will make a difference you guys! I know we can help them and that this will truly bless their lives during this difficult time. Please click the link below to donate anything you can! Thanks so much everyone!!! And please pass the word on!

The First Time Around

I am the kind of person who likes things to be going well all the time, as if sadness or frustration were somehow a sign of failure or weakness. But I have come to learn these past few months especially that being in a state of contentment all the time and being perfect at things right away isn't really the point. We learn that "perfection" is to eventually be achieved, but I think some of us want to do everything right, right away. We forget that becoming perfect is a process. And sometimes the process hurts. It's frustrating and disappointing; it will expose our weaknesses and shortcomings; it will require us to push forward through guilt and hurt without being vindicated. This is a hard process, but nonetheless it is in all of this turmoil and chaos that perfection is achieved, if we realize the best that we can do is to never give up hope, never lose hope in our Savior, that He can carry us from day to day and even moment to moment. We can overcome tribulation and grow as people with Christ as our leader and example. I remember in China hearing a quote that was really interesting and it has stuck with me. Living in China was one of the best things I've ever done and I grew so much more in that 6 months than I feel like I have over periods of years. Oddly though, it was a time when I felt weak and like I was taking steps back. So a friend said to me this, "The more perfect you become, the more imperfect you think you are." I really hope this is true. I think it is because to become perfect we need to be refined--have all the impurities (or weaknesses) exposed and removed. So if we are seeing lots of weaknesses in ourselves, that just means we are that much closer to being refined and pure, like our Savior. And of course it is through Him that this refinement can happen, if we chose to accept His perfect Atonement.

Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Hope of Goodness

"Stretching our souls in service helps us to rise above our cares, concerns, and challenges. The truth is that our only safety, our only security, our only hope is to hold fast to that which is good." --Elder David S. Baxter

There are good people in this world!! I see examples all the time, but today I was very thankful for a man in Barnes and Noble who helped me as I was struggling with my over-sized stroller. He noticed I was having trouble pushing it and he simply smiled and picked it up so it went over the obstacle. It was a small thing, but to me, it relieved a small burden for a moment.

Another instance that touched me happened in downtown Chicago. I was walking down Michigan Avenue and in front of me there was a woman who looked in very bad shape. She was in a wheelchair and was holding a cup. It is sometimes easy to dismiss these people as they are not uncommon in the city, and I often struggle with what to do when I pass them. But there was in front of me, a kind person who stopped to talk to this woman. She smiled as she gave her a sandwich from Subway and even slipped some extra money into this woman's hand. She said "Good to see you!" as she walked away, which made me think she has befriended this person or at least seen her before. I was touched and left feeling that I need to do more to serve those around me. Seeing these things gives me hope that there will always be those who are selfless and that we need to look for that in the midst of all the selfishness we see.

The Best Things in Life...

are free! Yes, but that's not what I was going to say :) What exactly are the best things in life? I wanted to write down some of the things I find absolutely great about this life. Some are of eternal value, some of temporal significance and some are of both. I think it's beneficial for me, the "worrier" to reflect on what some of the greatest things about life are instead of having a "doom and gloom" attitude about what goes on around me in the world. I know that one of the greatest challenges in this life is to be "in the world, but not of the world". It doesn't mean we can't emjoy the things of earth, but we must rise above the flow of changing moral values and a the consistent confusion of good versus evil. Part of doing that is recognizing the Lord's hand in our lives and the blessings He has given to us. So here are my best things in life:

A genuinely good-hearted husband
Children who teach me
A warm and safe home
The scriptures
General Conference
Hot showers
Smoothies
Ice-cold water
People who care about you and show it
Dinners people give you after you've had a baby (we've got some awesome cooks in our ward I just have to say) :)
Watching a good, funny, romantic movie
Summer nights, with a little bit of a warm breeze
Green grass
Thunderstorms
Les Miserables
The Chronicles of Narnia series
Bike rides
Roller-blading
Frozen yogurt (with Reeses Peanut Butter Cups!)
Subs (the sandwich kind)
Hot Chocolate
Pianos
Musicals in general (besides Les Mis, which is my all-time favorite, I love The Music Man, Phantom, Blood Brothers, Ragtime).
Andrea Bocelli
Sarah Brightman
Mana
Okay, so I could on and on with the music stuff..... :)
Going to church
Seeing old friends
Seeing new friends
Going out to eat
Massages
Free days at the Chicago Museums
Lake Michigan

Well I think I could go on and on, but that was a fun reminder about all the great stuff about this life! And to quote my wonderful friend, Beeks, who is an amazing example of positivity and optimism, "I LOVE LIFE!" :)